My Ordinary Life

Renee: Hello?

Occupational Health Gimp: Hello, may I speak to Dr -er- Lee-ung?

R: This is me.

OHG:Lovely, right er - (in tone of great concern) how are you feeling?

R: What? Um - Who are you?

OHG: Occupational Health. From XXXX Hospital.

R: Oh, er - hi.

OHG. I'm calling regarding patient Gillywig, who you saw on the weekend. Do you recall this patient?

R: Um. Possibly. There were quite a few. Patients. On the weekend.

OHG: Ah, yes. Teehee. Well, Patient Gillywig has been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.

R: Ah.

OHG: Were you aware that this patient has been diagnosed with the swine flu?

R: Not really.

OHG: Do you remember this patient? To jog your memory, this patient had: cough, fever, muscle pains and joint ache.

R: Sounds unique.

OHG: Pardon?

R: Nothing. Maybe I remember them.

OHG: So when you saw this patient, did you: a.) wear a mask, gown or gloves?

R: Um..No.

OHG: b.) Did you stay a distance of one metre or more from the patient, at all times?

R: Well I did examine the patient.

OHG: So did you stay a distance of one metre or more from the patient?

R: Well, I examined them.

OHG: Ah.
(confused silence).

R: No.

OHG: (triumphantly) So then you are a close contact of the patient.

R: If you say so.

a beat.

OHG: (writing) 'Close Contact'.

R: So, um, what happens now?

OHG: Pardon? Oh, er nothing.

R: Do I have to get swabbed?

OHG: Oh, no no no, we're not doing that kind of thing anymore. The Department of Health no longer requires it, it's become such a common illness.

a pause.

R: Well.. do you need to do anything else with me? Because um.. I'd better get on.

OHG: What? Oh, er, no. I just write down that I've talked to you.

R: And that's all?

OHG: Yes, that's all.